Hamburg's Red-Light District

What better way to top off a rock and roll weekend in Hamburg than to explore the Red Light District in St. Pauli?
The main street in the St. Pauli district is the “Reeperbahn”. The street is awash in strip clubs, fetish stores, adult DVD shops, bars, cheap eats, and alternative fashion. A walk down a particular side road called Herbertstrasse reveals an ally with ladies on display in lit windows. I only caught a glimpse, however, because I was warned that women are not welcome to stroll through the ally. Apparently, it’s bad for the window ladies’ business. But what if a girl wanted to hire a girl? Nope. Heterosexual area only. Doesn’t make much sense to me. Even if you were straight, which would you rather have: a fat, old, smelly bald guy… or me? I’d take a hot belly dancer over an ugly man any day.
Disappointed with the lack of access available to me on Herbertstrasse, I decided to hit the strip clubs with my fiance, Wilson, and two of our Hamburg friends. Amazingly, the Hamburgers (I love that people from Hamburg are called “Hamburgers”), didn’t know which clubs were worth checking out. I mean, these guys are metal-head-rock-and-rollers- aren’t strip clubs part of their scene?
We decided to go with the most advertised strip club, “Dollhouse”. It turned out to be a bad move on our part. It was 12 euro to get in, drinks were crazy expensive, and you had to pay an additional 30 euro for a girl to strip, plus tips. And here’s the kicker: after removing all of their clothes, and right as they’re pulling off their underwear, the girls covered their pussy with one of their hands. No pussy viewing allowed! Club policy. What a rip off. I can see naked girls anytime I want. If I am going to pay to see a girl naked, her pussy better be in my face.
We left the Dollhouse and opted for a cheaper venue. I can’t remember the name of the place we went to, but there was no cover and the first drink was only 4 euro. That guaranteed you one strip show on stage. The girls weren’t quite as hot as the Dollhouse girls, but at least they got totally naked.
Overall, I’d have to say that my first strip club experience was pretty boring. I guess I went to the wrong clubs. I was expecting crazy pole dancing acrobatics (only two of the girls I saw that night knew anything about a pole), gyrating hips (some of the girls were so bad at dancing that they looked like they were doing the funky chicken), and ping pong balls shooting out of vaginas (but the vaginas were few and far between).

Tipsy Apes

Hamburg is a rock and roll town, especially when it comes to metal. Wilson Gil and I rolled out last Friday to perform at one of the oldest rocker hangouts in Hamburg: the Tipsy Apes. A perfect place to hold the film release party for a short-Western film that was created by metal head Flint, from the band Razorheads.
The Tipsy Apes is in a field in the middle of no where on the outskirts of Hamburg. Spooky and isolated, with no one around to file a noise complaint. There’s a big covered stage, a cabin with couches and a bar, and a stand that sells killer sausages. The audience area is simply open field, with a bonfire usually raging off to the side.
Wilson Gil’s country-rock set was a little out of place sandwiched between three metal bands, but it somehow worked. Wilson Gil rocked out hard, harder than any of the metal heads that were at the Tipsy Apes that night, so he made even the most country of his songs seem totally raw and bad ass. Plus, he had a hot belly dancer to spice things up!
For our last song, “Solid Gold”, this crazy drunk chick got up on stage with us. She was dancing with me and getting really into it, so I was shaking it with her, and then she grabbed me and poured her drink over my head! Rum and coke all through my hair, in my coin bra and costume. My hair was so sticky by the end of the night that it didn’t even budge when I took out my ponytail holder. I think I’ve found a replacement for hair gel!
I was a good sport about the whole thing, though, ‘cause that’s rock and roll, baby.
I also learned a new dance move that night- head banging. Seriously, there is an art to doing it properly. At least, that’s the conclusion I came to after watching a guy do his head banging move for twenty minutes straight. You stand with your legs slightly apart, with your hands placed on your thighs, and your back slightly hunched. Then you hang your head down so your hair is dangling, and then it’s something like “down, down, down, up!” and you throw your hair back. I wanted to audition that guy for “So You Think You Can Dance”! But I figured that he probably wouldn’t go for it.

Bad Harzburg

I love a town that loves its witches. On the eve of every April 30th, the people of Bad Harzburg celebrate Walpurgisnacht (Night of the Witches). Legend has it that the witches convene with the devil on this night. However, some sources say that the witches fight the devil and others say that the witches convene with themselves.
Whichever the case, these days the festival is more symbolic of springtime; the fairytale is that witches fly in during the night, sweeping away all of the negativity and bad spirits from winter. A glorified spring cleaning and a celebration of light over darkness (the coming of spring).
While Walpurgisnacht is celebrated in the spring, figures of witches are found in Bad Harzburg throughout the year- as souvenirs for tourists, in shop windows, on the roofs of houses, on labels for various products. It’s like perpetual Halloween.
And Halloween is my favourite holiday. I was in Bad Harzburg just this past weekend, and was delighted to discover that Bad Harzburg was celebrating yet another festival: KastanienFest (Kastanien means “chestnut”). The streets were filled with vendors selling everything from scarves to wooden toys. Smells drifted from food stalls selling goodies such as candy apples and bratwurst, crisp and hot off the grill. Music from buskers playing accordions, bag pipes, flutes, and other instruments mingled with the chatter and laughter of the people milling about.
Bad Harzburg appears to be this sleepy little mountain town, evident by its population of old people. However, a closer look reveals that there is a mischievous and mystical character about the town and its people. In addition to the witches, other fairytale delights freckle the town. For example, a large fountain sits just off of the main street. Numerous sculptures of strange creatures- mermaids, dwarves, nymphs- perch on the fountain, most of them naked, some of them shooting water out of their penises or from wine bottles, and all of them with a naughty twinkle in their eye. One of the dwarves even has his hand around his dick as he gazes at another naked dwarf with huge breasts (check out the dwarf to the right in the picture). Alcohol, debauchery, and sex. And that’s all just in one fountain.
If you take the sky tram up the mountain and into the forest that’s at the edge of the town, you’ll enter a real fairytale, or what‘s left of it. Hidden from site deep within the forest is the Harzburg Castle. Once mighty and strong, the castle is now in ruins, making the grounds feel spooky and haunted.
Hiking trails criss-cross the mountains and forests, leading to waterfalls and spectacular views. Bad Harzburg may be renowned for its spas and as a place to retire, but the town also offers mischief and fun for a person who’s more of the adventurous type. While much of Bad Harzburg’s residents may be elderly, if you look closely, you’ll notice that they all have a twinkle in their eye.

Sparrenburg Castle

When I asked my friends in Berlin if there was anything to see while I was in Bielefeld, each one of them said that Bielefeld didn’t have much going on. Imagine my surprise, then, when I got to Bielefeld and people asked if I was going to see the castle. A castle? If that’s not something to see, I don't know what is. Maybe castles are just commonplace to most Germans, and that’s why my friends hadn’t mentioned it. Either way, I was thrilled. I had never been in a real castle.
The Sparrenburg Castle sits high on a hill, overlooking Bielefeld and beyond. A massive stone wall wraps around the interior, with a turret in four corners. Inside, the main halls have been reconstructed and now serve as a restaurant. A large turret is in the middle of the grounds, towering over everything. The great thing about the Sparrenburg Castle is that you can really explore it. There are tours that take you around the outside, through the inside, underground, and all the way to the top. What a view!
Sparrenburg is a good bang for your buck, too. The restaurant and the little food stand both charged a fair price for tasty cuisine and the tours were inexpensive (less than 4 euro). Parking and entrance to the castle are free.
A bit of the history? The guide I was given says that Sparrenburg was built in the early 1200s by Count Ludwig of Ravensburg and that it was home to the Count and his “entourage”. Which makes the Count sound like he was a rock star. Because when I think “entourage” I think of hot girls and groupies. But maybe that’s just me.
Throughout the centuries, Sparrenburg saw many changes in ownership and additions to its architecture. Sadly, the castle was pummeled by an air raid during WW II, but extensive renovations have made the castle almost like it was before.
While we were at Sparrenburg, there was a photoshoot for a wedding taking place throughout the grounds, and a bag pipe player in a kilt was playing by the bridge on the way into the castle. There was definitely a lot to see.

www.bielefeld.de
www.sparrenburg.info