Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Hamburg's Red-Light District

What better way to top off a rock and roll weekend in Hamburg than to explore the Red Light District in St. Pauli?
The main street in the St. Pauli district is the “Reeperbahn”. The street is awash in strip clubs, fetish stores, adult DVD shops, bars, cheap eats, and alternative fashion. A walk down a particular side road called Herbertstrasse reveals an ally with ladies on display in lit windows. I only caught a glimpse, however, because I was warned that women are not welcome to stroll through the ally. Apparently, it’s bad for the window ladies’ business. But what if a girl wanted to hire a girl? Nope. Heterosexual area only. Doesn’t make much sense to me. Even if you were straight, which would you rather have: a fat, old, smelly bald guy… or me? I’d take a hot belly dancer over an ugly man any day.
Disappointed with the lack of access available to me on Herbertstrasse, I decided to hit the strip clubs with my fiance, Wilson, and two of our Hamburg friends. Amazingly, the Hamburgers (I love that people from Hamburg are called “Hamburgers”), didn’t know which clubs were worth checking out. I mean, these guys are metal-head-rock-and-rollers- aren’t strip clubs part of their scene?
We decided to go with the most advertised strip club, “Dollhouse”. It turned out to be a bad move on our part. It was 12 euro to get in, drinks were crazy expensive, and you had to pay an additional 30 euro for a girl to strip, plus tips. And here’s the kicker: after removing all of their clothes, and right as they’re pulling off their underwear, the girls covered their pussy with one of their hands. No pussy viewing allowed! Club policy. What a rip off. I can see naked girls anytime I want. If I am going to pay to see a girl naked, her pussy better be in my face.
We left the Dollhouse and opted for a cheaper venue. I can’t remember the name of the place we went to, but there was no cover and the first drink was only 4 euro. That guaranteed you one strip show on stage. The girls weren’t quite as hot as the Dollhouse girls, but at least they got totally naked.
Overall, I’d have to say that my first strip club experience was pretty boring. I guess I went to the wrong clubs. I was expecting crazy pole dancing acrobatics (only two of the girls I saw that night knew anything about a pole), gyrating hips (some of the girls were so bad at dancing that they looked like they were doing the funky chicken), and ping pong balls shooting out of vaginas (but the vaginas were few and far between).

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